What do we mean when we talk about sexual intelligence? Do you fully enjoy your sexual relations? Do you know how to communicate what excites you? Do you feel that there is something preventing you from enjoying it to the fullest? Many of you will be familiar with emotional intelligence (the ability to identify and manage our own emotions, while recognizing and adapting to those of others). But sexual intelligence? Have you ever heard of it? Keep reading and you’ll find out.
Sexual intelligence may sound like the ability to be an expert in sexual relationships and have the ability to satisfy and be satisfied with all the partners a person has sex with. However, this is not the case. Rather, it is a set of resources that a person possesses that allow him or her to communicate, be present, respond to stimuli, and create a connection, both physically and emotionally, with the partner; in the end, the ability to adapt when sex does not go as expected.
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How does Sexual Intelligence help you?
Mainly, to relax and enjoy sex in the face of inconveniences, which are innumerable. Just to give you some examples and understand what it’s all about: not being shaved and that makes you feel uncomfortable, you just hear your roommate coming in and distracting you, you headbutt yourself, you don’t get the climax you so much wanted, you don’t keep your erection, you just remember you have a dentist tomorrow, you’re out of condoms, you’re not getting any excitement from what your partner is doing to you, you’re not lubricated enough, it hasn’t come up spontaneously and it’s not all that nice anymore, and a long etcetera.
High expectations about sex (spontaneity, that everything will be perfect, like in the movies, that both of you will reach orgasm at the same time,…) is also another factor that can ruin the sexual experience, since this way, the probabilities of failure increase, and with it, frustration. In the end, what happens is what sex educator Betty Dodson tells us: «In most cases, it is done in the traditional way, which satisfies the romantic stereotype of the passive woman and the dominant man. He tries to hold on while she tries hard to reach orgasm, and almost always both fail.
Wanting to «look good» in the sexual act generates a lot of anxiety, another impediment to pleasure. This is where the SI comes in, helping us to get rid of stereotypes, change our ideas about satisfaction and redefine our desires so that we can satisfy them.
- Related article: Sexual dysfunctions: the snake that bite its own tail
3 keys needed for Sexual Intelligence
Sexual intelligence is therefore necessary to adapt to a new body that changes with age or to open ourselves up to exploration. For this, there are three components of the sexual intelligence that are essential:
1. Information and knowledge
I am not referring to how to leave our partner completely satisfied or which are the postures that give the most pleasure. On the contrary, the information and knowledge needed are more focused on self-knowledge: what the person expects from sex in particular, what his preferences are (not those dictated by society), what his body is like and how it changes over time. Good information management implies:
- Knowing that the body is covered by skin, the most sensitive organ, so it is all susceptible to receiving pleasure.
- Getting rid of the preconceived idea that there is no sex without orgasm or that without it you cannot enjoy it. This idea makes it more difficult to reach it, due to the pressure, and makes all other practices that do not lead to orgasm less valuable.
- Be aware that diversity among people is the rule and not the exception, otherwise it will not be possible to stick to the tastes and preferences of each one, which, again, limits our pleasure and satisfaction.
2. Emotional skills
They serve to make sense of having a sexual relationship with someone, as well as to deal with the unexpected and not to go down when our expectations have not been met. To do this, we need the following emotional skills:
- Self-acceptance: How can we enjoy sex if we do not accept ourselves? Can we expect the other person to accept us if we do not like ourselves?
- Confidence: both in oneself and in others.
- Communication: fundamental to transmit what we want and what we don’t want.
- Personal growth: to stop being defensive about change.
These four will in turn help you to maintain your sexual self-esteem in the face of disappointment and tolerate inadequate or unexpected tuning in during erotic activity.
3. Your own body
The popular idea that the body has to be beautiful and attractive in order to feel desire is as well known as wrong, as it is precisely this idea that makes people feel less «competent» for relationships. Likewise, our body turns out to be the means that:
- It makes us aware of how we feel, what we feel, what gives us pleasure, what does not give us pleasure, and…
- It transports us to the connection with the couple and tune in to it.
How to improve this tuning? Firstly, listening to our own body, being more aware of it. And secondly, being more tolerant of the body to focus more on intimacy and pleasure.
- Related article: Online sexology therapy
In conclusion, the sexual intelligence is the ability to know oneself, the awareness of one’s own body and the acceptance of it, as well as the attunement and empathy with one’s partner’s body. These are, after all, objectives for many people that are not easy to achieve and that, many times, need to seek help, since when it comes to sexuality, there are many more things that can be cultivated than cured and professional help is a resource that we should take advantage of more and better.
By UPAD Psicología y Coaching